Healing takes effort. It takes a huge effort, especially after years and years of being hurt and stressed out. After years of being neglected and manipulated into making you feel horrible about yourself.
2020 has been a very hard year for me, but in a way, it also gave me time to heal. It gave me time to learn to love myself, to know my value and my self-worth. It gave me time to take back all the confidence and awareness I had, that has been taken away from me for the past four and a half years. I am so glad that I finally had the courage to end a very toxic relationship. I am glad that I finally had the courage to get rid of someone who did not act for the greater good of anyone besides themselves.
During 2020, I tried so hard to throw away and not keep all the horrible memories to end the cycle permanently. But the thing is, toxic people are never going to stop haunting you. Everything that the person has said and done is now stuck in my mind -- sometimes, still, but hopefully not forever. It affects me deeply. I am actually quite traumatized. The person in my last relationship manipulated me into thinking that even if I am already feeling so fucked up and miserable, even if everything is messed up, I can not give up on him. It's like I need validation all the time. It drowned me until there is so little of me left that I have lost my ability to tell right from wrong.
The trauma I have now led me to feel depressed, anxious, and having low self-esteem. I sometimes feel isolated and so stressed out. It made me afraid of starting a new relationship. I am scared of all the possible gaslighting and silent treatment. I am all guarded up right now and it made me feel more fearful of future relationships.
However, with COVID-19 happening around the world, making us stay at home and doing all the self-quarantine thing, I am able to meditate and think about my past relationship. A full year to help me heal:
- I'm trying to forgive myself, accepting that all the bad things that happened are already in my past.
- Accepting that it is wrong to stay and try to fix a situation in a toxic relationship, to think that it is better than walking away without a fight. I'm trying to forgive myself for staying for such a really long time.
- Forgiving myself for ignoring all the red flags.
- Apologized to my friends and family because I became distant from them for the past 4,5 years.
- Practicing self-care, treating my mental health. Realizing that I am worthy of love and respect (I really wanna thank my brother and my best friends for reminding me of this all the time).
- Telling myself all the time that I want to be better, not gonna take crap from anyone anymore, and I want to take back my self-esteem because I don't want to develop any toxic characteristics that can potentially harm my future relationships.
I know it's going to take a while to trust or to love again. I mean, it's been a year and I know I have gotten closure, and I am getting better. However, sometimes the bad memories will pop to the surface and make me feel like shit again. Sometimes I doubt myself, but I am so thankful that I have my family and my friends who always support me and tell me that I am making such great progress. They always remind me to not give up on myself until I reach a phase where I feel strong again. I'm sure and I am confident that it will get easier. Soon. I promise myself.
