Tuesday, October 18, 2016


Have you ever felt like you wanted to cry so bad, but you just could not do it because everyone around you expected you to be happy, all the fucking time.

I hate it when people force and insist for me to do things I don't want to do. Eat this, eat that so you can gain weight. And don't you ever judge me, telling me I am too skinny all the time. I know that. I have lived with and inside this body for like, let me count, 26 fucking years -- I know I am skinny, so what? Fuck you I ate a lot but I still can't gain weight, it's not my fault. So don't force me to eat this and eat that, because you don't know my body.  Also, don't tell me to do some yoga, to go to the gym so I can sweat and be healthy. The next day you will be saying "don't go to the gym too often, you easily get sick, please stop going to the gym." 

I just hate it when I can't say no. I hate it, I hate it so much I want to cry, but I can't. People often ask me why I don't work at an office? I do not want to work at an office, I don't want a boss telling me what to do, because I can be my own boss. I don't want to work at an office, again I said it, because I don't think I should. I have my own reasons, so please respect that.

I don't really want to travel again this year, even though you pay the two way tickets, the hotel, the F&B to keep me alive, I just don't want to go. My plane months ago was about to crash and it was super ultra traumatic for me. Three times I went somewhere again after that little accident, and everytime the plane had a small turbulence my heart felt like it wanted to jump out of my body and I just felt like crying and I am tired of it. So if I said, "no, I don't want to travel right now" please don't force me to go.

I don't want to help anyone (at least now, and this does not apply to my closest friends, because I will always help them no matter what). I am just tired when people ask me to give them advices, I am tired when people tell me their relationship-drama. I am tired when people think I don't have problems and it is okay for them to throw all their problems to me, when at the same time I also have problems. The annoying thing is that I can't say no. Because I just hate to argue. 

The next thing I know, I keep on listening to their problems, always try my best to help them, but I don't even think about my own problems. I don't even think about myself, because I just want everybody to be happy. But I am not happy. I am tired to be everybody's doormat. But I can't say no. Sometimes I just can't show people where I stand. I need to do something nice for myself, but I keep on thinking about other people first. And it's draining my energy. And maybe this is my fault. Because I can't say no.

And now when I feel like my battery is going to be dead anytime soon, when the stress just keeps building up, I started to grow apart from my friends. Actually I don't want that, but it's like I am unconsciously setting boundaries around me when I feel tired, but at the same time I still want to make things work. So in the end, I still can't say no and I don't know for how long this will happen. All I know is that I am tired and I am also a Libra, so I guess this is normal.

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